Pain,

A word so familiar yet one so profoundly deep we have just about a million ways that aren’t sufficient enough to explain its meaning…

Its impact…

Its feeling…

It’s reeling effects on our once perfectly orchestrated lives…

So here’s to the pain of loss;

Here’s to the mothers who lost their sons way too early for them to have called them warriors

Yet the battles they rage within could never have been fought so painfully in life and breath

For the magnitude of the pain from the knives that pierce their hearts in the silence at dusk, their sons could not have held in chopping another man’s head off

Here’s to breasts that babies never got to suck and little fingers that never got to touch their mother’s faces

Here’s to nights your baby called you from sleep only for you to wake up to an empty cot that mocks you with cries you’ll never hear…

Here’s to daughters who lost their fathers way too early for them to remember their faces in clear vision

Or the feeling of lying on their chest and looking up to eyes that held compassion a daughter can only know from a father

And here’s to the vain constant search for a love that could take their place…

Here’s to the sons whose mothers left way too early for them to experience a woman’s love

From a woman who will never ask of him that which wasn’t meant to make him better

And here’s to the tears they keep caged in because crying makes you less of a man, so daddy said,

But only because a son’s tears with no mother to wipe breaks a father’s heart in a way only a wife could mend…

Here’s to fathers who lost their daughters before they could hold their hands and boast of their princesses that no man will ever deserve

Here’s to husbands who lost their wives at child birth

And all they have left is the cries of a baby so shrill that the emptiness of the house echoes so loud they have nowhere left to hide their tears…

Here’s to you for holding your mother’s hand when her mother left

But you were too focused on being a shoulder for her that your tears stuck at the back of your throat for a later that has not seen the light of day…

Here’s to best friends who were lost way too early to have experienced the world together and fought battles that only waves could have crashed

And here’s to all the moments lost gazing at sunsets you don’t see ’cause the space beside you is just but empty sand and broken promises…

Here’s to the girl who lost her man after saying I do

And all she was left with was a gaping hole of cold that the diamonds on her finger could not begin to fill and the fluffy coat he got her for her birthday cannot begin to warm…

Here’s to brothers who lost their sisters just when they were old enough to tell them off for threatening boys who as much as breathed the same air as their sisters

 And here’s to the frown that your sisters cannot tease away in that annoying way she knew you used to hate, but now wish you had just one more chance at it…

Here’s to the wounds we have nursed so carefully within us that we cannot let others see how much it takes from us

Here’s to tears we won’t allow our pillows to soak because we have to move on

And here’s to the guilt that we hold so dear when the memories of those we once held dear slip past us

And in the middle of the night, nightmares of forgetting haunt us and rouse us from a sleep we’ve barely managed to slip into

Here’s to nights of hot coffee, cold beers and whiskey burning down our throats, in moments of self-doubt seeking escape at the bottom of a glass and the cold that bites into our bones in the night

And here’s to mornings of make-up to cover up the bags below our eyes…

Here’s to heels and suits and skirts that make us convince the world that we’ve got it all together after fights with demons that drown us in the privacy of our thoughts

And here’s to the smiles that keep us in check when the need to break is all we feel

Here’s to mirrors in the back office bathrooms that we run to, to get our act together before we dazzle our co-workers with impressive presentations

Presentations we came up with under the night sky last night, in an attempt to find a distraction for holes in our bleeding hearts our hands were not big enough to heal…

Here’s to therapists who tried to get you through but you felt like no longer feeling the pain was betrayal to those you once loved

And so you left their office with a bag so full you don’t know how to get it off your shoulders, or if going back is another mistake and so you drown in your thoughts in mundane tasks that no longer feel important…

Here’s to the nothingness that fills your days

Because not feeling is better than breaking from acknowledging pain

Here’s to all the moments you couldn’t break down; because they said breaking is weakness…

But breaking down is strength;

Because getting up is more than what drowned the hope of ever rising

Because breaking down is burning hoping to rise with scars that heal and pains that no longer cause the reign inside your head to break your crown

And breaking down is vulnerability that only souls can understand and shards of broken glass cannot bleed them enough to suck the light out of them

And because breaking down is living a million lives in a moment and still managing to stand tall when all is said and done

And flying, feeling lighter, living…

Breaking down isn’t weakness, so break

And when you have no words for your pain, I got words to explain.

• WordPress
• Facebook
• Twitter
• Instagram
• LinkedIn

She’ll keep on coming back into your life no matter how hard you wish her away,
She’ll haunt your dreams when all you need is a little peace in the night,
She’ll call your name in the middle of the street and you will be looking around like a mad man; trying to search for their voice in conversations and the movement of people’s lips,
She’ll be taunting you in the way you see Her walking away with the same spring in Her step that you dreamt about;
And have you running after skirts that rise only for a face to turn and it’s nothing like you were looking for!
You’ll be stopping strangers at the bus stop only to look embarrassingly into their eyes so you can explain how their neck looks like someone’s you once knew,
Then you will pretend it is alright again.
Walking to work and going out on dates Thursday and Friday nights,
Singing the karaoke Saturday afternoons and a beer after,
Church on Sunday mornings and brunch at 12, then family time at 4pm…
Routines as if they will erase the memories you made together, yet all you get are memories that drown your soul!
So you try harder;
Workouts at 5am, showers at 6 am, and breakfast at 7am.
Workday without a break, dinners with the Tv off, and music with both earphones on.
Lunches and poetry parties, not later than 10pm,
Keep away from the keyboard and only read books with war and bloodshed in them…
But still,
How She manages to sneak in when you think you covered all the cracks in the wall, you still don’t understand!

So it’s time for the men’s club, and you really need them not to talk about their happy relationships and complicated girlfriends; but they do…
You need them to say how the league has been and how useless it is to start a business of selling tuxedos at the corner down the street, for no men ever go there
And you want to be left to wonder how they knew…
But they don’t; its all about them today…

So you skip that, because all you see is how hard it was when She wasn’t there any longer and how hard you wish it could be easier
Maybe, you don’t want it easier
But you are still trying not to look for Her in the women that you take out

and you’re still wondering what you’re doing seating there with an attractive woman too beautiful you question why you found her on a dating site
But then, you want to leave soon, you want to go back to your house and look at Her portrait that you placed on the bedside table
You want to go and imagine that She’s cooking you dinner, you’re setting the table and you shout over the sound of the music to tell Her how good Her cooking smells…
But what you really mean, is that you’d like Her to be done soon, so you can hold Her hand under the table and watch Her lips as She talks and eats and laughs
But you know you can’t, so you smile at the woman seated across from you, and try to remember what it was she said about the pattern of the stars and the way the moon moves on windy nights;
She’s funny and witty and you feel guilty that she so easily makes jokes that you try to be interested in but only end up smiling in silence…
Then panicking when you see Her… seated at the other table with a guy you wish you never have to know
But She’s gone way too soon you only remember Her bewitching eyes and smile
And you can’t erase the sight of panic in your eyes, and in a frantic way but ever so politely say you have to leave
Glasses half full, but at least the dinner plates are off the table,
You want to reach for her hand and assure her that it isn’t her fault you got the look…
But you’re scared because you can feel Her watching your every move
And it’s suffocating to know that She left with no explanations yet, She still keeps you captive in Her arms!
And all you wish for is that She would come back, if only for five minutes, to tell you that you can move on and it’s okay to love somebody else,
All you wish is that She will come back with a red dress so you can see She has other colors than black and it is possible to un-see Her in everyone you see…
You’re scared, but then the world has no time for you to be, and so you fall back into a routine that did not work the last six times that you tried to make it work;
You’re hoping that after all is said and done maybe, the 7th’s time a charm and it’s going to work
But just before day three, when you start feeling comfortable that it’s all going to be okay
She’s back. In black
And Her eyes are sparkling and Her stride is slightly twisted, Her hair is a little shorter
So you now its Her!
And She wants to talk
But you have no idea what She carries within Her bosom nor what it is you should ask Her,
You wonder if She knows that you have called Her back,
You wonder if She knows that She never actually left when She thought She did…
You want all the answers, but now that She’s here
You have no idea where to start,,,

sunrise?

sunset?

midnight?

Whenever I see the pictures of you that I saved on my laptop

I wanna stay home all day and stare at them

I wanna hold you close and reminisce about old times

I want to close my eyes and imagine that you are there with me and we talk about the future and we plan on how we will have two kids, twins maybe

I pretend that you holding my hand and staring at the way my lips move while I laugh

I pretend that you hold me by the waists and tuck my hair behind my ears as you catch your breathe and I stare at you

But I know that I’m regressing and I can’t help it and how I lose myself in your eyes.

I need to keep reminding myself that though what we had was unique and meant the world to me

It’s in the past

I need to remember that we had our time and nothing lasting came out our bond

But I know that whatever it is that we had left a mark that lasts

Because I’m still here, months later, typing about how your eyes look against the sun and imagining you sleeping on the plane back to my arms

It’s stupid, and trust me; I know that more than anyone else here.

That doesn’t mean that I forget it, or that I don’t fight not to think about it.

But you were right the first time you told me to move on and leave you be

You were right the second time you told me to delete your number because you did not want to be answerable to the mistakes you made

You were wrong the first time you made your move on me and became honest with me

You were right and wrong at the same time when you poured your words in poetic terms so profound that I got lost in the way I felt swimming in a sea of emotions and love I could not accept in the first place

You were wrong when you broke the walls that guarded my heart and broke the barriers half way just so I could let you in and have a taste of freedom and a taste of your warmth.

You were so wrong when you let me dip my fingers in the honey jar then you covered it way too fast for me to be satisfied

You were wrong when you embarrassed me for trying to love you better

You were wrong, and I was right beside you in the quest

I sit on my bed in the middle of the night when all the souls are deep asleep and I stare at the ceiling

I create these images in my head where all that we did wrong is no longer holding us back

I create the scenes where we laugh for hours on end and we don’t argue about how we feel

I finish your words and you start my thoughts

We sit with popcorns in our arms and our feet spread out on the carpet and quote words form cheesy movies

We sit on opposite sides of the bed and write poetry and rhymes

I make the food and you serve the wine, I play the songs and you dance to the beat

And we are so caught up in the rhythm that we don’t realize or even care how fast and depressing the world moves

Because, the air is cleaner, the birds are chirpier and even the flowers are brighter

Life and everything in it is better as long as we got each other, we got us.

But as I look up from the photos and open my eyes,

When I think about how I need to shower and choose a dress without you helping me zip it up

When I think about how hot the sun will be and how life is no longer the same without the hope of seeing you when I come back home tonight

I break once again

Like the last time wasn’t enough

Like the wounds of yesterday need a friend

Like the bleeding I already suffered hasn’t drained me of enough life and laughter yet

I break

Chip after shattered chip that I spent uncountable hours trying to piece back together

Crumbling on the floor, staining once again

And I’m tempted to turn my back away from this scene

Away from trying to hold on longer and away from trying to heal

Away from trying to keep the barriers down so I don’t lock out the good that came with bringing them down

I’m tempted to see how futile this whole operation is and just shut myself back to darkness like before

Scrambling to get the pieces back in my arms before they roll over

I thought I was way past this and I was moving on

But deep down, I knew I was doing what I needed to do and not what I wanted to do

I knew, that deep down, I still hoped that you woke up to the thoughts of me and that the image of me laying on your chest made your heart constrict

I hoped that you still thought of me when you read my poems and I hoped that someday in the middle of the night when you couldn’t sleep, you would call and come looking for me

And I’d pick your call and blame the sleep in my head when I answered even when I knew it was your voice and I shouldn’t have picked up

I’ll blame the fogginess in my head and the slow music that lulls me to sleep and the darkness when I say yes to meeting up with you

I will blame the entire world and the universe for bringing us back together

But I’ll be happy and I’ll screech at the thought of seeing you again and finally having a taste of your lips on mine

But then I know that I’m back to being a dreamer and though it’s nice,

I need to wake up from this regression and realize that you’re no longer here and I have to fight the demons or angels that keep on bringing your face in my head

I gotta face the sun and tell my frustrations to my pillows once I’m back home.

I need to go, move on

Just like I’m sure you did.

It’s hard that when I want to move on and try to ease the pain

I feel the emptiness creeping in

I want to be at the point where i no longer fell the pain

But I know that the only way out is to full of nothing inside

A shell…

I’m not scared of the pain; I’m scared of the nothingness that numbs the pain

It’s hard, but then, what’s the use if it was so easy?

I’m already on my way out

I’ve already been broken and I’m already on walking away terms

Even though you somehow manage to fuck that up too

For love, and a broken heart

Regression

I fell in love with a soul like my own

Ever since I’ve been fighting battles just to forget

Forget the way he made me feel, the plans we used to make, the promises we never kept and the pain that came from realization that the dream had reached its end

I used to think we’d conquer the world

Best to say I should have had my heart on a leash and my sword on the go

For I couldn’t love him when he did

He couldn’t love me back when I did; and that my heart broke

I’ve been lost for years, looking for a reason to disappear

I’ve been hiding for a long time afraid that my face is not ready to reappear

I’ve been holding back because I thought that maybe I was too much for the game

But then I forgot that the streets aren’t made for everybody

And I need my game face on

For I’m not ready to go down with blood in my hands and pity in the people’s eyes

Tears and whimpers at three am

Weird thoughts crawling in my head while others sleep in peace

Questions I wish I had answers to, just so I’d quit looking for things I may never find

Battles with demons I didn’t know how real they were or if my disillusioned mind had created

Wishes while looking up, prayers to God, whispers to the wind, messages in the sand

Sessions in the sun just to see if I’d be brighter

Seating under the stars to see if they hear my screams instead

Conversations with the trees, they probably think I’m crazy

Maybe I am; I just can’t help it

My voice getting louder with desperate attempts

My feet walking towards roads I never thought I’d take

And these sleepless nights won’t give me peace of mind

Maybe all I need is a sleep pill or high pill or chill pill, whatever

Maybe all I need is a swim in the river or a gallop on horse back

Damn, if I know how to do any of that

Looking up from down here ain’t the best view

But just because I fell don’t mean I didn’t hurt him on my way down

Broke a couple ribs and said a couple more words

Broke a certain part of his heart, maybe that’s why he the way he is

I’m sorry if I did, hope I he forgives

But maybe that’s all the purpose we were meant to serve each other

And just so we clear, that don’t mean I regret

For I came out stronger, I hope he’s better too

Our love was like an explosion- at least on my side it was

For we broke to the world with a thud even mama was worried

It had something to do with how we never held back when we decided to blow

But when the dust settled the destruction was irreparable

Now look

Here we are on different sides of the table

Hear ye all, oh listeners of the midnight cry

Kiss your spouses before their tears drown them

And you left to clean up a mess you never should have had had your eyes been open

There was a way I used to sing when he left

‘Open gates even in winter, an open heart even when the knives are pointed

Its bleeding but I just have to learn how to persevere

Maybe he’ll come back home tonight, or tomorrow

One way or another, he has to get back

And when he does, I’ll be waiting

For he needs to know the warmth awaits’

We, if ever there was, fought

Sometimes we won, some days we lost

Some nights had stars, some days had storms

Some mornings we laughed, some evenings we drowned

At least, we were

But now we sing a different song

We both know that he ain’t the same,

Damn, we ain’t the same either

Life has a funny way of shutting you out, making you bleed, carving your heat right out your chest

Love has a cruel way of leaving you when you most need it

And your soul has an angelic way of reviving when you think you can’t take another beating

But trust me darlin’

Ain’t nothing going to bring you down

Ain’t no chains that will bind you down

And nothing on this earth that will keep you down

As long as you have breathe in you, for you’re a lion

And nothing, and no one in the world can ever take that away

Maybe some days your face will face the ground

Maybe some days you’ll think you ran out

And maybe some times you’ll feel like you can’t figure it out

Maybe some times you’ll pray for the pain to be lesser

You’ll wish the stitches will last longer and the after-shock shorter

Pray that you never fall again… never feel again

But you’ve got remember you’ve been through it all and come out alive

You’ve got to keep your game face on

For the streets ain’t no place for a coward, baby

“You can’t marry him,

You can’t trust the food she gives you when you pass by her gate,

You can’t ever listen to what he says,

You can’t ever trust him when it’s dark outside

You can’t open the door to him no matter how hard the storm hits

You can’t listen to the songs they sing

You can’t dance to the music that beats from their house

I can never allow it

Not when I live

Not when I’m dead

Not as long as the sun still sets in the west”

But why?

“You shouldn’t dress like them

You shouldn’t believe what they say

You shouldn’t be close when they pray

You never should share your story with them

Not how you fought your brother yesterday

Not how much we ate yesterday night

Not how you planning on a new school

You shouldn’t trust anything they say

Not when I live

Not when I die

Not as long as rain still comes from the sky”

But why?

You keep telling me what I shouldn’t do with them

What I should never say to them

How I should never trust them

When I should never open my heart to them

But why?

Because their language is different from what we speak

Because their tribe comes from the west and ours on the east

Because they burn their dead and we burry ours

Because their God is Allah and ours Jehovah

Because they pray with their faces down and we pray with our faces up-turned

Is that why?

What if

What if I told you that the blood that beats in our veins is the same?

That our minds are made of the same tissue?

That none of us really know whether it’s Allah or Jehovah who answered our prayers for peace when blood flowed instead of water?

What if I told you that he is the man I fell in love with?

Because the person who lies beneath all that exterior is more than his tribe and his religion

What if I told you that she’s the one who took care of my younger sister when my hands and heart bled from a world I couldn’t control?

What if I told you he stood by me when the boys from the street wanted to do more than strike me with words?

What if I told you she’s the one who taught me how to heal and how to love after all I held dear was broken and I had no more faith in me?

What if I told you that keeping us apart is like feeding a fire that burns all of us without separation?

What if?

What if I told you that we are all just human beings in spite of our differences?

That our differences are just like different colors of paint and the art is priceless?

That it doesn’t matter where we come from or what we believe in

We all just need food and shelter

We all are just in search of a place to call home

Our souls all just desire a connection bigger than ourselves

We all are just children of the universe and none are better than the other?

What if?

What if I told you that we could speak without words?

Sing without voices and see without our eyes

Love without opinions

Live without following rules that have stood for generations

Choose without discriminating on basis of grounds we did not set

And impact without titles that society gave meaning long before or great-great grandparents’ parents were born?

What if

What if I told you that were true?

Would you close your eyes to race and height and the accent they speak with?

Could you shut your ears to phrases passed from generation to generation?

Could you be the one to sever the chords and the chains that have bound us for years?

Could you look at things differently?

What if

What if i told that what really mattered was what bound us together?

A need to give and receive love

That our humanity holds more power than the hate we have worked so hard to breed in us?

That love is the only thing we should allow to stand between us

That generations to come should never have to choose where or to whom to give this love to?

What if I told you that we are all doves poisoned by the smells we breathe from without?

That really we all are just of one race- the human race?

If I would

Could you change?

Would you still tell me not to?

Would your why still stand unchallenged and valid?

If I would show you the strength in our hands combined rather than raised against each other

Could you change your view of what should and shouldn’t?

Could you love and embrace the humanity we all are?

Could you?

There’s something about escaping into another world that calls unto me

It’s the middle of the day and I just had my lunch

The meal was tasty as hell, the company greater than the meal

But now I’m lying on the floor in my house

Staring

Hoping that if I stay here long enough and stare into nothingness

If I stay perfectly still and try not to think about anything,

I won’t wake up;

Maybe I’ll disappear

Maybe I’ll die… maybe I just won’t ever get up and my mind will have found an escape

Doesn’t matter if its morning and the sun is up

I should be getting up in pursuit of the pleasures and pains of the day

But my heart… I can’t hear it beat

It’s like it’s calling for a rebellion

It’s appealing to me to stay put, and my body agrees

Mostly because not even my mind has enough strength to command the two

I say, I should probably take a shower, drink lots of coffee and dress up

Maybe some music would be nice in the process

But my muscles can’t move an inch, my eyes can’t open

And there’s this insistent desire to escape and run from this world

I only wish I knew which way to take

I’m scrolling through my phone again…

I’m telling myself I should reply to these texts

I should call back; I should ask them how they are doing

I should let them know I care…

But I have no strength to tell them that

And I honestly have no will to explain that I’m not in the right mode to be talking to anyone

That I have this insistent desire to be in a world where they are not

So I tell myself not to worry

I promise them that I’ll talk to them later

Probably in my head, probably when the sun comes up, possibly only when I see them

Because I can’t help feeling that they are a constant reminder that I’m still in this world…

So I throw my phone across the room, don’t care if it breaks or if I can’t afford another one at the moment

I curl myself to a small ball on the floor

Maybe if I pull myself tight enough, the world will forget I was here in the first place

An escape

She’s calling, again and again and again

So I hide my phone under the couch and turn up the music

I want her to think I never saw her incoming call

I want her to think something else happened and I didn’t ignore her calls

After all, I can always come up with an explanation so true she won’t ask twice

I could say I left it at a friend’s house

I could say it got lost when I was rearranging my room and it was on silent

I could say I left my bag at the doctor’s office when I went to get drugs for my roommate

I could even say my boyfriend’s ex took it as punishment since she thought it’s my fault they broke up

But

I don’t want her to know I’m running away, or looking for a way to

I don’t even want her to think that I think like that in the first place…

She must never know that this has happened a million times before

Because she will try to fix it; to help me…

But she did all she could and I still turned out this way

I know no one can help me on this one

Not even her sweet soul that has known me forever

Mama, how can I escape and still stay for you?

Towns…

There’s something about it that I both hate and love at the same time

It’s like a paradox that I never tried to explain in the first place because it probably wouldn’t make sense at all

It’s the noise and the people and the tall buildings that seem as if they stopped midway to heaven

Like they gave up when they thought they’d go on forever

Like they no longer want to try…

You see, it’s the pace and the faces that you see

It’s the ability to get lost in miseries that aren’t your own

It’s the essence of loneliness in crowds and the feeling of being alone in a place so crowded you can hardly breathe

It’s how nobody cares whether you’re drowning or starving or bleeding your heart and bones to death

It’s the notion that the next person is not exactly as human as you are, so please click your heels in place and walk away

Look at them as they scurry away like scared rats and your skinny ass is left to freeze in the dark

Sometimes I wonder whether this feeling when I walk the streets is the feeling of souls in hell, or in prison, or in heaven

In the first place, I have no idea whether these place exist

And even if they did, who’s righteous enough to enter?

For all our souls have judged and sinned in one way or another

And then I think…

If these people are the same whose souls will go to these heavens, shan’t heaven be another dimension of earth?

Only different in that our souls will walk the streets the way our bodies walked on earth?

And shall my soul still seek an escape or will I finally have found peace?

I can’t explain why or how it started

But I can honestly say that sometimes it scares me

That it’s as close to home as it gets

And that the will to fight and push on is not nearly as enough to keep me going

There’s still an overpowering desire that demands I give in…

But I think I’m more scared of where I’ll fall

So I stay here, stuck

Purgatory

I’m a stranger in cloaks so familiar you don’t notice I’m here till it’s too late

I’m a song with foreign lyrics and a constant beat you don’t find it weird that the tone has changed

In between your sheets, that’s where I lay my head to sleep

I keep you warm when you should be cold

I make you comfortable when you should be fighting

I make you feel like you belong in a world where everyone else has no place

I make you feel okay till you realize too late that okay was a path to your own edge

And when you stand on the cliff’s edge with the only thing standing between you and death being the whisper of the wind

You’ll realize it’s too late to take the turn around

I come in all forms and fears

A little too many tears today, but don’t worry, there’ll be cheer too

Just to mask the effects, so nobody realizes how to make amends

I know you wish for someone to hold your hand even when you look at them with venom in your eyes

I know you pray, that someone will hear your cries even when you mute or pause the screams

I know you’re waiting for a knock on the door so you don’t pull the trigger or kick the stool from under your feet

I really do, but I also know that the voice in your head while I scream your name and tell you to go ahead is louder than their whispers behind your back and your wishes

But most times, it’s because they don’t try enough

I know you’re strong, so I try harder

But I got limits, though yours are stronger

You just need a voice of conviction that don’t worry, it’s gonna be okay,

I know if you came together, I wouldn’t have a chance of survival

It’s no wonder I keep pulling you away from them

That’s why I tell you that you need to be alone all along

That’s why I keep convincing you that I’m your best companion

And when you lose, I gain another soul

I have to win this fight, but if you came together…

I’d have to give up

Sometimes you can sense my presence

But I’m disguised in faces so much like yours you end up convincing yourself I’m only in your head

I know you think you’re losing your mind, but if you knew how much farther I could make you go, you wouldn’t want me in your head

But even when you find me, most still won’t see me

From ignorance and blame games and fights that don’t make sense

Because they are so caught up in being themselves and judging the rest they don’t realize you are sinking out of sight

Believe me, I know it’s such a lonely fight and sometimes even I pray you win

But I’ve got such a disguise, your environment’s so conducive…

I thrive…

Maybe I’m not my favorite fan, but everyone’s got to live their part

And if bringing you down is mine, then I got to perfect my specialty

But watch, I warn you…

That neither you nor your friends fall for my claws

For they are death covered in red paint, and trust me they’re not scared of blood

Only a determination to win the fight and a promise to hold hands

Only then can my bones break, and I sure pray you win

Before I drain the blood from your veins, and look for solace in another soul so like your own

For I am depression, few say my name out loud.

He pulled at my pants first before he looked to see what I carried deep in my head
I said, well… they say my purpose is to kids,
A new generation and continuation
And he’s a man; forever would he be above me

He touched my breasts with his hands before his words could touch my heart
I thought there was pain where his fingers felt,
But then, husband he would be, satisfying him would be my work
So I let it slide, if he wanted a little rough, that would he get
After all, he was a man; forever would he be above me

He called after how my ass moved, his friends joined
They were more concerned with how my body enticed than how my brain worked
I thought, God, if only there was a chance…
But I smiled at their backhandedness
For they were men, forever would they be above me

He made me lie in the position he liked
He called me out, to satisfaction he desired
Whispered sweet nothings in my ear, just like the first time
But if he really did care, wouldn’t he see how my movements I trim
But his pleasure and assertion into manhood is what mattered more than my heart
After all, he was a man, and forever would be above me

I watched Daddy tell me how good a man should treat me
Then heard how he showed my brother to treat his would-be wife
Setting foot as the man and in no lesser terms, that if violence was needed, violence would he evoke
Then I wondered what my husband’s daddy was showing him, but couldn’t say for fear they’d me slay
For they were men, and forever would be above me

Daddy’s girl set her standards too high; daddy’s words said I should
Then I watched how my mama bowed, even eyes could not meet his
Wondered how I’d ever get grandchildren for mama
If my husband needed daddy’s “respect”
So I pulled down the sheets of silk from the bed, even cotton was a material too good
For I was in search of a man, and he would forever be above me

There was pain in her eyes; that I could see
It wasn’t only in words; it was in how she breathed them
She was my friend, but betrothed to a man whose mere existence made her cringe
With a smile on my face and tears in my heart, told her she needed to be strong
I thought, God, if only I could kill him with my bare arms
But he was a man, and forever would be above me

Now, I sit and think of a daughter I have dreams to bear one day
I fight the men who in me see nothing
They say I’m too much of a dreamer, too much intelligence, they call it
But my pace have I set, neither shall I slacken…
And if they think I’ll pause to look back at what I’ve faced and falter, they’re wrong
For I seek not a chair higher than men, just an equal partner in life’s hurdles

Society will call me weak; society will think I’m stupid
But if I in no man find one who can fulfill my dreams, then strong am I till the very end
For myself I’ll need the respect, and in my children shall my dreams thrive
And if by no example shall I set for them, then I’d rather not they came at all
For I seek not a man who rules over me, rather, one I wouldn’t mind my son being

It’s dumb, they’ll call out
To resist ways that have existed for millions of years
But I say, even then, they had a beginning
So even though the last days are here, I won’t fall short of my own faith and fight
That a little change goes a long way, and society begins with me
So if I say, a generation where respect and standards are withheld starts by me and my kids
Then I shan’t be scared to say, man and woman shall be partners in life
I shall fight, in no lesser terms than where my heart beats stronger

She’s looking at me through the mirror that I am looking through

I can see her eyes in the glass panes.

Am supposed to see through the glass

Instead, I see her eyes… through her eyes

She’s haunted; I can see it in them

She’s scared… she looks at me with that superstitious look

I feel like I know her

I know that look, those eyes…

I know that feeling… it’s like we have a psychic connection

I know the way she’s taking a sip of water, that movement

I know those straps on her shoulder, they are not just small

No, I know the shape of her shoulder blades and that’s how I know what she’s wearing beneath

I know that ring on her finger and the bracelet on her arm

I know the way she places her hand on her shoulder to lean her head on it

I know the way she bites her lower lip when she’s lost in thought.

I can almost bet she has a beauty spot on the inner side of her right thigh

I know her; she looks so familiar, so painfully familiar that when she blinks my eyes automatically blink with hers

I know she’s hurting and I feel like she can see through this façade I have set up

This empty feeling, I feel like she knows it too

It’s like she’s trying to ask me a question, “Why do you die so easily?”

She wants to know what makes me weak in the center of my being

She wants to know why I believe I can’t fight yet I still have breathe in me…

But she’s scared of the answer…

And she scares me too…

I feel vulnerable when I look through her eyes, and I can’t see anything beyond that haunted look in her eyes…

I feel like I should help her, but I don’t know how to do it…

She wants to come closer, I’m afraid if she does, she won’t understand…

I’m trying to bring up the bars, get some distance… but am stuck here, staring into her painfully look-alike personality

I’m stone cold, and her eyes make it even harder…

I try to pull my gaze from hers, and her wild unkempt hair catches my breath

It’s almost like fighting her is futile

It’s almost like she has some spiritual power over me…

I’ve lost my physical feeling and the only thing I am aware of is the move of her hand as she tries to reach out to me and grab the back of mine

The way she moves, almost as if she’s afraid, almost as if she’s unsure almost as if I’m dangerous

The way she moves, almost as if she doesn’t really wanna do this, like she’s being forced.

Almost as if it’s the necessity that keeps her going…

And am just glued here to the spot…

This weird psychic connection between us…

She’s inner me…

This girl in the mirror is my soul…

I feel so broken and no matter what I try to do, I keep sinking deeper and deeper in despair

Tell me you love me, or maybe just pick my call

I don’t know if you’ll mean it, but for tonight I wouldn’t mind if you didn’t

At least that would be a start

I’ve been standing by the phone, hand on the receiver waiting for your call, but it’s not coming

Its 2 am and I haven’t had my shower yet

Counting the minutes but I think its hours now, they already turned to days

Rushing to the showers and the water runs down my face

Comforting my tears, soothing my heart

And the lather smells so much of lavender, but all I smell is tears and a broken heart

Falling to the ground and screaming out your name

Against the wind and the miles between us, can you hear the pain inside of me?

I think you’re a little broken too,

But that’s why I’m here, so I’ll hold your hand when your knees grow weak, and your heartbeat slows

Baby, what are you doing, pushing me away?

I want to come to you, but the ocean separates us,

And my wings ain’t strong enough to fly to you too

Baby, I want to hold you close; can you let me in just an inch deeper?

I promise I’m not perfect, and I hope that’s what it takes so you know I understand what it’s like to need someone

Or to just be needed?

I’m taking coffee on the balcony

And the wind whispers your name,

It’s a private moment, just me, the wind and the trees talking

My mug keeps us company, she hears our little conversation

Your face is next to mine, and I can feel your breathe on my neck

I look around, I smell your cologne, I hear your laughter,

But like a mirage, you’re gone just when I’m moving closer to your chest

Why won’t you let me touch you?

There are no chairs so I’m seated on the kitchen floor,

I’m tempted to call you, like every other day when you won’t call back

But my heart is in so much pain I’m scared I’ll tear up when you don’t pick up

And I keep going back to our last conversation, wondering what I did wrong

Can you show me how to hold you right?

Because I’m tired of crushing you when my intention is to give you warmth

Won’t you pick up my phone?

I’m trying,

My friends told me I’ll be better tomorrow

But how can I forget you when everything I see reminds me of you

When I can’t see any other guy because they are not you?

I’m fighting not to shed these tears at the back of my eyes, but I’m losing the battle and I can’t see why I’m fighting anymore

I’ve been trying not to do the things that remind me of you, but now I see I’ll have to borrow someone else’s life

No more coffee and music, no more walks at night, no more sand in my shoes and dreams

I’ll have to say goodbye to novels and intelligent arguments that take me back to your passion

I’ll have to give up my life, and trust me I have tried

But you are always here wherever I turn, and my mind and my heart won’t let you go

There’s a rock in the corner of the field close to where I live,

And I’ve been counting the days till I can take you there,

Maybe in the passing sounds and silence, you’ll learn another piece of me,

Now I have to go and explain why it’s taking too long to keep my promises

I hope in her cold stone, she’ll understand you’re still a heart of gold

And maybe tell me what to do with you

Baby, won’t you pick up?

For before we were lovers, we were friends

If this is goodbye, then I’m not ready to take it

If this is where our paths go two different ways,

Then I’m stuck at the junction and my feet feel made of steel

I’m torn, and my heart bleeds from two streams

A part of me stretches to leave with you

A part of my heart is strong to stay

But the fight is draining my blood and my will to live against the pain

I used to say that pain is the reason why we stay alive, even though the promise of its lack thereof gives us reason to fight to stay alive

But if loss of pain meant losing you, then I’m not ready for the promise just yet

I keep hoping it’s a dream, I keep hoping I’ll wake up… and I keep waiting for you to tap me on the shoulder and tell me to wake up

But it’s been dawn and dusk and click of the locks and the curtain shutters

And my sheets are still white and empty of your touch

The days, I’m counting=g by the tick tock of the clock on the wall

I want to talk, so I tell my pillow

She knows all about you, by words and touches, squeezes and hugs, tears too

She knows your smell, for your twin told her about you when you left

I know it’s a stupid thing, to hope for what seems impossible,

But when they told me to love, they also said that love was freedom,

Freedom to be heard, freedom to be listened to, freedom to hope against all hope… freedom to just be you

I didn’t know that this freedom had limits, I didn’t know that someday id be at the end of the rope, and I didn’t know I’d be hanging at the edge just ready to let go

Maybe, this love was an illusion

I told you I was happy

I gave you my heart and my love

Maybe I should have known it was my body you worshipped

I was no goddess of wisdom, neither of fertility; forget the fact that I was nowhere near the title of goddesses

So how could i?

I’m counting the days till I’m able to get up

Same way I counted the nights till I was ready to admit to your love

I’m hoping it takes shorter to walk away than it did to say yes to your love

Maybe it was you crafty hands; maybe it was your art with your honey-dripping voice

Maybe it was all that and so much more

And my heart still beats a little faster at the mention of your name

Maybe it always will

But I’m hoping I can do away with the pain

I’m praying that I can hold your love in one hand without the clouds of darkness towering over me

Then maybe, I can smile a genuine happiness when I meet you in the next life, or tomorrow, or maybe next week

I told my heart to cry a little longer, scream a little louder, try a little harder.

So when I tell her it’s time to fight and be us again, she won’t say I didn’t give her time

For it was her idea to love you, and to fight for you

And I love her all the more for it

But now she knows what it is I was running away from, same way she knows what it is I was missing

So we’ll stand side by side, and we’ll fight the way we always did,

Even when the clouds are grey, we’ll dance on a little stray

When we’re ready to say goodbye

Morning rush finds me in a rush, so it doesn’t hit me as odd that it got such a name

I’m always ready by the time it hits; forget the fact that marriage gives me a chance at morning glory

I got lunches to pack and breakfast to make

I got shirts to iron and shoes to polish

I’ve got my hair to make and showers to run for three,

No, make that four, because your one of them

I no longer have time for makeup, but my tired smile is what lights up my face

Eight on the dot and the hoot’s out my locked door

Kids, it’s time for school,

Hurried goodbyes and kisses in the air, my heart breaks to another day

I’m always running, no time to sit and have a chat

But I’ve become so good at it I can relate three different stories to three different beings while brewing coffee, frying the bacon and feeding baby Mary

But you’re no longer interested in the stories I make, and it pains, for you used to hang on to every word I said

I suppose, I didn’t try enough, maybe there was no point in trying anyway,

Because I found out about her, and the late nights at work, the unscheduled flights,

About why it is you always too tired when you get home, and even a backrub and a glass of wine in the bathtub is a wasted effort on my part

So I tell my stories to an eager audience, as they gulp their breakfast in mesmerized curiosity,

They think mum is an angel, they don’t understand why daddy doesn’t give her a morning kiss anymore

So I tell them daddy’s busy, and they’ve grown cheeky

They miss you, at the head of the table with your fables,

We used to make a great team, now I think it’s time I played it alone

And when I look at myself in the mirror, I see her

I see her in parts of me that are incomplete, in the imperfections that I’ve got

I try to see what I lack, so you found it in her

I used to tell myself she’s prettier, that she’s got a body like a goddess, and a smile that makes you topple

I won’t lie, I think she still does

But three kids out of my womb and I’m not as flat as I used to be

And let’s just say, I didn’t make them on my own, neither did I coerce you to

But I thought you wanted a homemaker, not a home-wrecker

I thought you wanted a partner, and I thought you said I fit

Now, I think that was just another business deal, and the terms have been revised

Only I no longer hold the powers to object anymore, equal partnership is gone

I used to blame myself, and then I remembered I’d been a good wife to you, and a great mom to my kids

Mary just started speaking, her first word was mommy, her second word was smile

I just thought you should know, because every parent hopes at least daddy would be second

Look, I know a family report is not what you thought you would be reading by now, and maybe what you desire more is her arms on your chest, and her eyes on you

Or maybe her cooking smells better and her bathroom is full of her scent, and that makes you want to bury your face in her hair

All I’m saying is, if you thought I wasn’t fit enough for you

You should have married her instead…

There was no point in making vows you had no plan to fulfill, and none in making me have to lie when you wouldn’t be in for the long haul

I heard you look at her with stars in your eyes, how stupid I was to think that was ‘our thing’

I think she’s touched the scar under your left arm on your rib

I thought I’d be first and last to do that

I remember how we used to say that was where God took your rib from, and that I was the only one who had a right to know about it

We used to laugh and cry when we told the story,

Now I cry with a bitter laugh that catches at my throat

I gave you my love, thought I had your heart too

Seems I should have asked, exactly how much of it, it was that I got

Look, if you think she hung the moon, why didn’t you call her all those nights to mourn

Or did you?

Why did I hold your hand, why did I wipe your tears?

Or was that just another act, for your knew my weakness?

Mama says divorce is profanity, but I haven’t told mama about her

So she can also say, adultery is profanity, so is treating your children with less love than they deserve

I’ve got to go; Mary wants to run in the sand,

Toby and Izzy want me to say whose sand castle is better

And I still haven’t explained why the sun is about to set again and daddy is still in a meeting

“Is it that long and can’t daddy tell them that he is flying away and will be back?

Isn’t that what you say, mommy? That family is the most important thing?”

That’s a question for Daddy, but Mommy has to give all the answers

So forgive me when I say, you should have married her instead.

I’m a pretty emotional soul, but I’ve learnt to fight back my tears

I was born a quiet girl, but I’ve grown to be loud

But then, I was never loud about my heart or my feelings,

And I’ve grown to be silent and teach my heart to beat more quietly

I never knew how to say what’s on my mind, but only when it came to tears that fell within

Please don’t judge me, and it wasn’t my mother’s fault either

I was busy healing wounds and scars I didn’t incur

I was busy wiping tear marks with smiles that blinded the sun

They say I’ve got a bright smile, even with mismatched teeth and imperfect lips

I know, deeply, its years of practice

I used to hate it, till I realized it was my saving grace

My heart beats too loudly, sometimes too fast

But I’ve learned to calm it, calm it so no one will notice and question

My life is made of patterns,

Patterns that I save on the barks of trees and skies at night

So the searchers of daylight will not find

And crawlers at night won’t know my darkness in sunlight

I’m like a vampire; I come out at three am

Only, my soul doesn’t thirst for blood, but a respite from the chains that cage her in voices calling for morning light and deceitful insight and masks of dark knights

I’ve learnt to be quiet and hide my tears

It’s always been easy to have my cries unheard and my ways unknown

Please don’t judge me; it’s not my sister’s fault either

They were times I wished I could talk

But my tongue has become so heavy I have no idea how to lift it anymore

There were days I wished I could cry out loud

But the crunch of my heart beneath my own boots and against the concrete made me realize I couldn’t

There were times I wanted to tell the tales of heartbroken stains

But the pain of other people’s claims kept me in chains

I found healing in other people’s feelings

I found purpose in other people’s smiles

They said I was selfish by wishing to hear of other people’s pain

They didn’t know I sought healing of things I was too ashamed to acknowledge as pain.

They didn’t seek to understand; neither did I give them a chance

I’ve learnt the silent way of life, to understand myself by the beat of my heart,

To know my voice by the twitch of my eyes, and to understand my pain by the catch in my throat

I’ve learnt how to relax when my heart constricts so it doesn’t burst, how to hold my breathe so I don’t scream, how to close my eyes so tears don’t fall

And how to shun my brain so thinking doesn’t drag me down

And my heart has become an expert mask that covers my soul from the cruelty of the world.

There are times I have desired a hug, just to pull me together and feel like I got it

But I never had the courage to ask

There are times I have wanted to sleep cuddled in another’s arms

But I was too scared to voice it loud for fear they’d call me pervert

My God, there were times I just wanted to scream and make it all go away

To let it go and forget that everyone was listening

There were times I just wanted the light to disappear and the weight of my breathing to leave my lungs

To just sleep and never wake up

And even though I say I’m free from all the chains of my past

I know that my soul is far from it

Because she’s still scared and afraid and lost sometimes

She’s still trying to find a place she can grip

Still lost in ways and paths she doesn’t know how to come out of

My soul is still a timid she, who thrives within but lacks courage to shine

Dear me,

I am sorry to my soul.

for all the souls that have known pain, this one’s for us

For troubled souls, you are not alone

I found my heart broken, didn’t matter that I broke it myself

I found myself drowning, never mind the fact that I walked into the swamp by myself

I was falling and losing my breathe

Losing control and the desire to have it

Failing in all but the sight to keep walking into this trap I set for myself

I was dying but camouflaged it so well no one realized

I have to say that running away kept me alive when I wanted to die

I didn’t know what vulnerability to be strong meant

But I sure as hell knew how with pain it went

I didn’t know what giving a part of your soul to another without expecting something in return meant

Until I met her

She was a puzzle, more likely to be left unsolved and undiscovered than the world desired to find

My God, and she was beautiful

She had a smile, and a laugh that was infectious, with eyes more intimidating than the sun

She had a soul with mysteries she wouldn’t tell,

And through my darkness, she saw a light

Holding my hand, looking directly in my eyes when I wanted to look away and run

Run, afraid of looking back and finding that she was a mirage and would be gone when I looked back

Clutching on to me when I wanted to free myself from her touch, scared that she was just a fragment of my imagination and would disappear the moment I opened my eyes

Sat with me all night long and talked about everything and nothing, when all I wanted was to clutch a book in my bosom and read of fairy tales that made me desire to be in them but all the while knowing I couldn’t

She was there, when I least expected her to be

When I was out trying to be a hero to everyone else, she was there being the angel that shone my light

She was the one who filled my drained energy in moments of clutching my pillow and filling it with unshed tears of failed trials

She wasn’t scared or disgusted by my darkness, but I was scared that she’d be gone by morning light

And my God how I wished she’d be gone sooner than later, so I’d have less tears to shed and little heartaches to nurse

By morning, when I opened my eyes half-drunk with the sleep from the night, she’d be smiling like she knew the secrets of the world

And she’d call to me with a look that said,” Go shine your light again, I’ll be with you whatever it takes”

She says she’s impatient, but I found patience in her

Patience in loving me when I pushed her away

Patience in standing by me when I wanted her gone

Patience in believing I was worth it when I gave her no reason to

She said she didn’t know how to love, but she was the reason I fell in love with myself and embraced the scars that I dared not to even look at within myself

She did kick my ass, when I need it more than a hug

She was real with me, when everyone else just smiled and said it’s going to be okay

It’s like she always knew when I needed what, and sometimes I swear, I thought she was into magic

I found my heart broken and torn to pieces

I found myself unwanted by the very soul that loved me

And through it all, she drained the tears that I wasn’t going to shed in public

She made me know it’s okay to be weak and give in sometimes

It’s okay to cry and break down and forget what it is to have your head up high

It’s alright when you don’t have all the answers and the courage to say no

She said that no darkness could dim my light

And I believed her, for in her, that’s all I saw,

Love and light

I found my heart broken and left to die, wailing for someone to hold and hear just a line

But when I found her, she made me know that smiling could heal

She made sure that I danced when I wanted to sulk

She made me live when I was on the verge of giving up

And when I had nothing to hold on to

She reminded me that the crown on my head was something worth fighting for

And that being a queen required me to be strong

And now, when I look at her, I see the golden side of me…

My best friend.

There are many things I would like to tell you
But I can’t find the words
I want to say I love you, but I’ve said it before
I want to say you mean the world to me
I want to say that the world is ours only if you’ll hold my hand
I want to tell you that what I want is this life in my head to come real
I don’t want our past here, no
I just want you and we can go back to the drawing board
And we can make smart moves on the chess board
And we can flip another page of our manual and buy new paintbrushes
I’ll bring the paint you bring the pages
We’ll swim in the art we conceive
We’ll dance in the rain we paint
Just let me be yours, let us paint when we no longer have the confidence to dream
Let us cry when our mouths have no strength to smile
Let’s make promises again, because in the pain, I see your face, and it makes me forget
Give me another chance to hold you, in real life, I beg
I don’t want to regret, for letting you slip through my fingers
And when I still have breathe in my lungs and sight in my eyes,
I want to say all these things to you
I want to tell you that I miss you
That when you’re not here, there’s a gap that doesn’t fill
I want to say that I want you in my arms
That whenever I think of you choosing me, I’m scared you’ll choose another
I need you here, because I want to make sure that I’m not dreaming
I want to see your eyes and feel your heart beat
When you say you choose me, you choose to love me; you choose to hold my hand
I don’t know how to hold a guitar, let alone play it
I don’t have the courage sometimes to say what I want or what I stand for
I’m not the most beautiful girl on the sidewalk,
I’m just an amateur writer
And my voice breaks when I sing…
I don’t understand you sometimes; I don’t usually know what to say
I don’t usually have ideas when you need them
And sometimes, I’ll run away when you need me to stay…
But I want to hear you say that despite all this you’ll still choose me
I’m loud, and sometimes I don’t listen
I’m jealous and sometimes I won’t understand,
I break, and sometimes even your touch won’t heal no matter how hard you try
But I need to hear you say that you won’t stop trying, you won’t let me go
There are still things that I want to say to you
Promises my heart wants my mouth to say
That I won’t leave, that I won’t stop loving you
That even when I run away, I promise I’ll be back
That even when we fight, I promise to still listen
That even when the whole world thinks we shouldn’t go on,
I’ll still hold on…
That I’ll love you no matter what, I’ll chose you, all day, all the way
And I always will
That I won’t break your heart,
And that you by my side, is more than I deserve
For you’re worth more than I ever could give
But my heart is all I have
My love is everything I own
So I give it to you…
Please come to me,
For things I want to tell you
And let me hold your gaze when I do