About us;

I’m holding in too many words and holding on to too many feelings

Feelings about you and me and us

Things I wish I had the courage to tell you but around you I’ve learned to hold my tongue

I’ve learned to smile and touch gently and to only focus on things that make you happy

And that is just sad

I want to ask you what it is you think we’re doing here

Because I feel my heartbeat rise each time I’m round you and I’ve been with you long enough to know that it does for you too

I see it in the way you smile at me from across the room

I see it in the way your eyes twinkle and when you spot me in a room full of people

And how you hug me and lift me up high each time as if we haven’t seen each other for months when it’s only been days

I can tell in the way we love between the sheets as passionately as if it’s the first time all over again

And in the way you cuddle me after and trace your fingers across my stomach

But I am haunted when you go to sleep and the words wake me in the middle of the night

I’m worried that I might sleep-talk some day and you’ll know all that’s in my head

I’m struggling to keep it together long enough for you to bring up the conversation

But I also know that I’ve become so good at going you what you want and need that I may not remember all the words I want to say if you were to ask about us

I’m scared,

Scared to bring it up and mess this whole thing up

I’m scared that if I stir the pot I may spill the contents and the fire will be out in a second

And I’ll be left cleaning the mess of frothy beans and filthy soups and spoilt meals

I’m scared that if I stir the pot even one little bit, that may be the end of us

I know,

I know how ridiculous this sounds because my friends told me how nuts I sound,

I know because I’ve been here before and I said I wouldn’t do this to myself again

And I should know better because I know you better, but you have little idea of who I am

Yet myself and I have been acquainted for long enough to know that the dust has not settled yet

And to worry that it may never settle enough for me to walk away unscathed

But then, I think you do know me enough

You know that I snore if I lie on my stomach, yet you still hold me at night

You know I hate country music on Saturday mornings because it brings back memories I never had so you make a mix tape for all my mornings,

You know I have double standards on pizza and chocolate milk

You know your sister hates me for being too sassy and your brother thinks I’m too brash

Yet you love me anyway,

So how can I say you know me not?

So back to us,

I’m holding you in my arms tonight

Watching you sleep so soundly and peacefully, wondering how I can feel so much love for you and still be worried

Wondering how it is I can feel so secure in your arms and yet so afraid of what could be

Wondering how I can want the world with you and yet not have the courage to ask you to go on this ride with me

How I can be so sure you’ll stay yet be so afraid that the steps we have taken are not enough to make us last

How can all this negativity and positivity co-exist in one soul?

I wish it was as easy as it was before,

But then it’s never been easy for me

I mean loving you comes easy to me

I don’t have to pretend when I look into your eyes and kiss your lips

I don’t have to pretend when I hold you in my arms and promise not to let go

It comes easy to me to make a hangover cure for you when you were out with the boys al night

And it comes so easy to me to love you in every way I know how

Making you discover things about yourself you never thought you had in you

But I can’t for the love of me bring myself to ask you about us,

I don’t have to because I can see it in everything you do,

It’s just that I can’t just let it go and yet it’s killing me because I can’t find a way to ask you

And maybe the fear of losing the one thing that comes easy to me is what shuts my lips instead of makes it easier to open them

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